Memories

 

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My mother, father and brother.

Starting the new year off right seems to be at the top of everyone’s resolution wish.  How long  most people stick to their resolutions is anyone’s guess, but I’m guessing not long.  For many of us this is the time to renew broken promises we made to ourselves, begin afresh something we say we’re going to do, lose weight, find another job, open a business, join a gym, take a vacation, etc.  The list is endless.  I wish you all success with whatever endeavor you seek and encourage you to do it whether it lasts or not.

I did not make any resolutions this year.  It begins for me with the decision to move on.  After suffering the loss of my mother in November 2013, I spent most of 2014 coming to terms with this loss.  Losing a parent is a significant loss and especially when it’s your sole remaining parent   You walk around feeling like an orphan and somewhat insecure, because let’s face it, no matter who old we are, we still need our parents.  I have decided that my mother would want me to go on and not only live my life, but enjoy my life.  In order to do that, I must let go of her and things in my past that keep me from moving forward.  Mostly, I feel like I would be leaving her, my dad and my brother behind.  I know that is not the case, but it felt like it.  I am a Christian so I believe with all my heart that my mother is in heaven with God and wouldn’t come back if she could.  Who would leave heaven and the presence of God to return to this earth?

So my promise to myself is that I will take as many steps as I need to move ahead and go on with my new reality.  It’s a different life.  When people are removed from our lives for whatever reason, death, divorce, moving away, our lives are not the same, at least not initially, if ever.  It’s funny how things happen that forever change you, but people expect you to be the same.  I was already in a state of reassessing and reemerging before this happened.  My life has been in a state of unpredictability for years now and all the while on a learning curve.  I realized that I have to some degree, cut myself off from my own renewal not wanting to incur any more setbacks or pain. If I am to ever fulfill my life’s purpose, I have to begin to experience life again on a more proactive level and be more focused on what needs to be done instead of crippled by pain, fear and dread.  I’ve always been a person who rolled with the punches and kept it moving until a few years ago.  Life knocked me down and for whatever reason,  I didn’t really rally the way I should have.  We only have so much fight in us, so maybe I just surrendered to it because it was easier than fighting.  I know that aging and being tired (as only another single parent can understand) caught up to me.  So now I accept it all and release myself from it. It is no longer my burden to carry,

What does 2015 have in store for me.  I don’t know, but I do know that as long as I hold fast to God and keep praying, I stand more than a chance of being okay.  As for my mother, father and brother, they will live on through me and in my memory for as long as I walk this earth.  I know that they all want the best for me and wish me the best.  If they could I know they would say, no more weeping, no more mourning.  We have left you with plenty of fond memories to keep your heart warm, NOW GO AND LIVE YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

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